In light of the myriad of news stories we are seeing nearly every week about child predators, this seems to be a good time to discuss exactly who these individuals are.
First, it is important to understand that sexual predators, while definitely operating with a very sick mind, should not be lumped in with the hundreds of thousands of individuals around the world with mental disorders who would never be prone to, or even think of, committing such cruel and despicable acts.
The pedophile is not easily profiled.
The acts of pedophiles are simple to articulate. They find children who are weaker than they are. They manipulate and trick, then they attack, leaving the children damaged, devastated, scared, and too often, dead.
But defining the pedophile him/herself is far more complex. It is usually a man, although it can be a woman. The pedophile crosses intellectual, socioeconomic and geographic lines. His background, while often one of being abused himself sometime during his youth, is not necessarily that of a victim. He may be young or old. He may be a homeless, transient shadow, skulking in the back alleyways, or he might be an upstanding citizen living a successful life, sometimes holding highly respected positions in our own community. He may live next door to you. He may know the victim, or he may not—although most often he does. Worse yet, he uses the trust that comes along with familiarity as a way to get in, and a way to get what he wants.
The pedophile typically has many victims over the course of his abusing career. Sometimes a hundred or more. Motives and reasons are varied. In some cases, it is simply that he is sexually attracted to children. In other cases, he may be someone who is not able to have a relationship with an adult due to low self-concept and fear, so he goes for an age that is less threatening. In some cases, he is just basically psychopathic and feels entitled. He may be seeing himself as being put here to “protect” and “teach” others—to right the wrongs of society—and he does so by victimizing these wrong-doers (even though they are children), or saving them, as he sees it (according to some perverse definition).
He sometimes will do additional despicable things to his victims, including mutilation, demonstrating his extraordinary power; and he may kill them, demonstrating his absolute power.
Ultimately, the sexual predator of children is someone who has little control over his desires and obsessions.
The sexual predator is one who can be, but is not easily treated. Although some containment and controls can be instituted, in some cases, there is no cure at this time. What can we do? Be as vigilant as possible. Form no single perception of how a predator would look, sound, act, or where he is apt to live or what he is likely to do for a living. Follow our instincts. Listen to our children. Listen to what they are saying, and to what they are not saying. Look for changes in our children’s behaviors and sensitivities. Remember, a predator, especially a sociopath, is exceptionally good at hiding any telltale signs that he is indeed a predator. Detecting such a predator may be very difficult, even for an expert—let alone typical parents, who are vigilant about the health and well being of their children. Perhaps our best bet, then, is not to detect, but to deflect. Reducing the potential for a predator to have free access to our children is critical. The pedophile often takes a significant period of time meticulously “grooming” his next victim. He may ply his victims with attention, gifts, recognition and promises, all in order to gain trust and comfort before he makes his final move. Pedophilia is not often a single event. It is a process and we must look for it.
There are things we can do or be wary of:
- Be wary about any overnight trips or sleepovers. Know who is there and what kind of supervision will be in place.
- Stop any unnecessary touching between your child and an adult.
- Be wary of any favors, gifts and compliments provided by an adult focusing on one child to the exclusion of others.
- Be present with your child. The greater your presence the less your child will be considered a target by a pedophile.
- Be wary of any adult with no friends, no kids, no adult relationships and a proclivity for spending time with kids of a particular age and gender.
- Be wary of any attempts of an adult to see a child outside of the established activities and boundaries of his position and role.
- Be wary of how an adult looks at kids with single mothers, who he may assume to be needing, and particularly receptive to, a “father figure.”
- Be wary of any internet-based relationships.
Be sure to:
- Listen to your children.
- Talk with your children often. Not just about these things but about all kinds of things.
- Teach your children that they can trust you to always be receptive to whatever they have to say. Remember, a child being victimized by a predator, even subtly—and even if the child is uncertain about what is going on and what is right and what is wrong—is apt to feel uncomfortable talking about it. The predator may also have let the child know that if he/she tells anyone, harm might come to the family or others. It is up to us to ensure our children that it is always all right to tell us anything and everything.
- Teach your children about boundaries without scaring them.
- Perhaps more than anything else, we must tell our children often that they are good.
Ultimately there is one rule of thumb that should always be considered with absolute seriousness and unwavering vigilance: If a setting, or situation, or activity looks even remotely possible for a predator to squeeze in, count on him being there and be particularly careful.
For information about Transitions Mental Health Services, please call us. (Contact information can be found in the "About Us" section of this blog.)
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